Dearest Alfred

I don't know where to begin or even how to express what I am feeling. I am waiting to wake up right about now in mid-sentence. Have I been drugged, what kind of sick dream is this, what did I drink last night, and what did I smoke? I am choking on my tears, my throat is barely letting air into my lungs, and I feel like emptying the contents of my stomach all over this carpet. I have spasms now thinking what kind of cruel sick joke this is.

All these fuckers can see was a Matatu Driver, but I know you were so much more, even in death, how can they compact you in a single fucking sentence? Do they know what you did for me & for the family? Matatu driver yes, but you were my mentor, my datum edge, a father, an uncle a nephew a brother a great man and all these fuckers can see was a Matatu Driver on route fucking 44. I know that you have been and you will always be more than that. Alfred am I supposed to be this bitter? I certainly hope so, because I cannot help but think how wrong they are and were!

You are my brother HOW could they do this. I am having some very disturbing thoughts right now, something you taught me never to have, and fuck the crossroads I want to see you right now, this very moment. I can't do this alone, I don't believe this, and I will never see it as reality. I am stuck here in the Babylon wondering when I can go back and feel that energy, that energy you gave me and no one else. Yes I am handling this very poorly, I feel like passing out, this fucking alcohol is not numbing the effects not one single bit. Yes I am thinking of taking my own life, our sister called me slightly depressed, I know I am a bit more than that, she knows that I am way beyond that.

I know today will be another night without sleep, but sleep is for the dead right, I know that is inappropriate, but fuck that and fuck you Alfred for leaving me, how selfish can I be when the Lord wants you by his side. When you go knocking at Heavens door those fools better let you in, for what you went through in those last minutes of your life you were absolved of any sin. I seriously don't know how I am going to make it without you Alfred, I cannot see shit now, my eyes are puffy, and I cannot take in air.

They tell me when we go to Heaven we will not recognize each other, what I tell them is try to stop me. I cannot move on like this is something I am supposed to accept, who wrote this stupid rules, did they know about your wife or child or the child to be, those fuckers. A pack of dogs, who wrote this fucking script? I fucking hate everything and everyone right now! Don't come with that silly "it was all part of the plan" because I swear I will slit your throat.

Please come home Alfred, please come home, please! Please! Please come home! I hate you so much, what the fuck is this, I wanted to go with you man, I still want to go with you! Please let me come with you Alfred, please, please. I pray everyday please let me come with you! You and I know I was not meant for this without you. A pack of fucking dogs!!!

These fucking idiots kill me now, please. What sort of torture is this, you all knew how I felt, how I still feel, I hate you! He was my brother! He is my brother! I feel like downing the rest of this Vodka and see whether I will wake up to see this pitiful existence tomorrow. I hate you, I hate you so much. why why why! Please tell me why. I Love you now and forever, that is all I have ever done. I Love you so much man. I have washed myself in tears, I hope that tells you or lets you know just how much I am missing you Alfred. I miss you so much man. I am beyond comfort fuck all this man.

Signed Forever & Always

Victor Wahome Kinuthia
Your brother in this life and the next.