September 15th 2004

It's already been a year man, I still don't know how to make to sense of this, whoever said time heals all wounds is a damn liar. It's so dark here man, this planet I mean Alfred, I have never experienced something so soul destroying, and faith crushing and future paralyzing. I feel so stagnant. I spoke to your Mom the other night, she seems fine, it would hurt her so much if she knew just how deeply disappointed with her Lord I am. I blaspheme I know but how else I am supposed to feel, how else do I really feel. I cannot make sense of this man. Until a year ago I wondered how anyone could want to destroy the Earth, but now I feel like burning this rock to ash, then the rest of this planet will feel this mind numbing feeling, this blood boiling happiness that I am experiencing right now. I saw the pictures recently of the burial, seeing your Son and Wife, your Mother and Father looking just so incredibly sad, how do I forgive? What if I don't want to, how is this supposed to get me closer to my Lord, how when I feel I alone found this strength to survive this, I alone still feel like someone pushed a cotton towel down my throat, and when feeling like this I am supposed to call out whose name, and pray to who? I can barely take in a breathe

I thank you Alfred for choosing me through some magnificent plan to be your brother and I hope one day I will be able to reflect onto the world the type of energy you did.

Victor Wahome Kinuthia