March 03 2005

It's funny Alfie today is 03.04.05. I had a dream about you today, I hope it was a dream, it was so real. I still cannot believe this. Time does not heal shit man. I miss you man, it's funny well not really but what else am I supposed to say, how do I break the Ice with a vision, a ghost, I had a dream about your son...my nephew. What do I say , what do I tell him, will I contribute to his growth. will I be a positive influence. Not the way I am going, but little people have a way of changing the way we feel and react.

Life is short, and you taught me that, not in that way your were supposed to but WTF. I am wasting away in this country...and just like you I long to be home, you maybe me too were not supposed to be this far from home for such a long time. I know this is not my place...I hate it here, and I am slowly growing older not wiser here. I want to watch your kids grow up, become adults, maybe I will grow with them too? I still have not forgiven this world, and I still want to see it glow in flames, I do, then each and every soul can feel this hatred for life.....I do hate this existence. I festers in me silently...I need to seek help is what you are saying to me right now. I don't look to the sky anymore for any kind of explanation, or further understanding. I know exactly what life holds....pain....and the need to spread that pain. I feel that I will be the perfect person to spread that "love".

What does JC look like, is it like in the books...I doubt it but you tell me...I think that heaven has a more sinister look to it than most people think, there might be too much competition up there, trying to get the JC's approval and all that. I don't you are trying too hard to win anyone's approval, you did that too much in this life time... and you did well

take care up there.

Victor Wahome Kinuthia